Hear the Polynesian Story of Purple Ke Akua

“Aloha my Hoalohas. Welcome to my home island of Hawaii for the 2011 Pro Bowl of the National League of Football. You may have lots of questions in between your munching on fresh pineapple fruit, feasting of our local fish Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, and flamboyantly jogging through our crystal clear blue waters, and this is why your favorite Polynesian football player who has never made a Pro Bowl or has had consistent starts in Naufahu Tahi will answer those questions by sharing with you the Polynesian story of the Purple Ke Akua, or as you know him, the Purple Jesus.

“Many years ago when the Hakeakala Crater was but a young volcano sperm in the belly of the Papa, the winds of the stars whispered in our Kupuna’s ears about a fertile land filled with dinosaurs and horses living together, where star fish rode the backs of sea turtles to coral reefs painted in sea foam, magenta, and sunshine. This land was the enchanted land of Hawai’i foretold by ancient script written on surf boards passed down through the decades and, like your fictional Christian novel, foretold of a return of our first Makua kane, this Purple Ke Akua.

“Tales of the Purple Ke Akua were great. Kupuna’s told of him running great distances across the water to reach foreign `Aina in the east where they played a fabled athletic event called ‘Ankle Ball.’ This Purple Ke Akua was the greatest at this game, laughing at opponents as he marched into enemy territory with their skinned ball. He would flex his arm muscles and the Wahine would return to the Sun. His smile would cure the syphilis brought by the white man in all of our Kupunas. But these stories were too good to be the truth. Could a single Kane from the heavens have such powers?

“It wasn’t until the moon year of seven and two thousand, when this Purple Ke Akua traveled to Hawai’i in what was a reborn, completely new Pro Bowl event for this athletic event from the large `Aina. It was the first time my people saw this Purple Ke Akua! He rode in on a rainbow while smiling, and when he spoke it was like hearing the whales under the water during mating season, the voice was so poetic. Before his arrival, my islands played the ancient sport of hunting dangerous mammals with our bare hands, but now? … NOW! We leave our island behind us and search for the white man dollar by tricking them into thinking our large bodies can provide blocking assistance, muscle in short needs to continue the tribes advancement, and lead the way for our Purple Ke Akua.

“But the joke is on them! HAHAHA! I have their money now and can retire to my islands with sunshine that only rivals that of Purple Ke Akua. He has truly changed the lives of not only me, but many Hawaiians. We know that, just like he showed us, it is easy to trick the white man into hanging their hopes on false talents and tricks. And in honor of the first time seeing Purple Ke Akua, this year’s Pro Bowl being the fourth year for his return, we will cheer for him to break records and keep his dominance on Papa.”


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.