OH NISH, DAS DAT FANTASY FOOTBAWWWLLL!!
It was a pretty exciting week in the PJD Fantasy Football league, as six of the cooler teams in the world finally got down to business after what felt like MONTHS of pussy footing around with dick wads that started players on byes, team owners that refused to smack talk, and pesky gnats that stripped us of our perfect season. Yes, those who didn’t make the playoffs, we will eat your souls. After we’re done winning a t-shirt, of course.
And who will win that t-shirt? That answer got a little bit clearer after Wild Card weekend in fantasy football. Let’s find out more in this week’s wrap-up:
T-Shirt Time! Ahaha, just kidding. I tricked you into reading this part first about the ultimate prize; a free t-shirtWAIT STOP SCROLLING DOWN!! As you now, PJD has a merchandise shop that is .. MMMmMmm … pretty bitching. There’s t-shirts and shit in there that make fun of every NFC North team, including (especially!) the Vikings. Well, I’ve been busy as shit recently and haven’t added to the shop as I would have liked. Certainly though, since the last addition of the Chris Kluwe shirt, there must be some new inside jokes we can all share through t-shirt form. Below is a quick bulleted list of items I would want to see if I was buying a shirt off of a blog that sucked, but be sure you leave your – even general – ideas in the comments:
- A Christian Ponder shirt that’s like a fake muscle shirt and then says something about “It’s how we play” with his name and number on the back
- A Percy Harvin shirt, likely making a hilarious marijuana reference, for the kids. “Your Highness?”
- A John David Booty shirt, because, I know, right?!
- Maybe a shirt tracking all of the horrible losses? 41-0, 31-28 (OT), 30-27 (OT), etc, etc
- A collection of “throwback” shir-seys to some of your favorite/most hated Vikings? Serwanga, Williamson (#19!), etc.
- “Aaron Rodgers has a male roommate.” Pretty straightforward
- An “MC Stafford” shirt, maybe with like a Ed Hardy design on it?
- “SUH STOMP!” – Picture of Suh stomping as the Hulk?
- A Brian Robison nut shot shirt? I still need to do that … for, uh, prostate cancer and everything.
Of course, I’m open to ideas, so put them in the comments. Now, THE GAMES.
Wilf’s Stache at SHIVA BLASTER: Wow, this game ended up like a Saints/Packers game … No defense, and pretty boy QBs just throwing shit around the field like it’s the end of days. Amazingly, Wilf’s dropped effing 90 points on SHIVA’s quivering chin, and booted him out of the playoffs. I, clearly, did not see that coming, as I had picked SHIVA, the highest scoring fantasy team in the regular season, to continue to the next round. And, hey, dropping 75 points is nothing to sneeze at, but when almost every single player on the opposing team scores in almost-double digits? I’m not sure what you can do. Brees had a cool 18 points, while Antonio Gates played like it was 2005 and put up 14 against a bad Buffalo team. Wilf played smart, too, starting every Detroit Lion he had because he knows whatever team is playing against the Vikings is a shoe-in for fantasy points. Veteran, SAVVY, move. He managed his bench well, too, and only left 11 points there with no real option of swapping anyone out. Fantastic job, and so the #4 seed moves on.
Parole Models at Tebow’s Bible Camp: In the second game, we have a real case of a shit head on our hands, and maybe the second name to add to the shit list of who gets kicked out of the league next year in Tebow’s Bible Camp. Why? Oh, maybe it had something to do with him NOT STARTING A KICKER DURING A FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYOFF GAME. That, and not managing his team very well, since he left Mike Nugent’s 13 points and the Lions defenses 22 points on the bench. Really? Why wouldn’t you start the Lions defense? Moron. This all leads me to believe he either thought he didn’t make it into the playoffs, period, or he was on his period and bled over a steel drum all weekend. Either way, I hate everything Tim Tebow, so it works out. It also makes me look good because I picked Parole to win in a low scoring game, anyway, and that’s exactly what we got. Big Ben played great for her, and she clearly took a flyer on Jake Ballard at TE and Miles Austin at WR, in his first game back, but they did enough to help her move to the next round. Meaning …
Playoff Bracket: … There are now three dude-led teams and one female-led team in the remaining playoff picture. I’m bad at math … is that enough holes? I mean for me to take, not her … Uh, so here are your match-ups. It’s a #1 seed in PJD’s Shirtless Men (playing shirtless helps us!) vs. #4 Wilf’s Stache, and #3 Parole Models vs. a well rested, cheese-stinking #2 Cheeseheads. The winners of these two will head on to the Championship game where they will fight to the death for a free t-shirt and bragging rights from a 14 team league. TOTALLY WORTH IT. So how about the match-ups?
Parole Models vs. Cheeseheads: This is an interesting game. Parole and Cheese have played twice this season, with Parole winning the first game easily, 98 to 49, and then losing their second match late in the season, 46 to 55. If I am here, with two late season losses, I’m starting to second guess my roster management and wondering if my team had their points run early in the year. She has had many injuries, but looking at that roster now with Big Ben, Austin, Beanie Wells, and Chicago D and kicker, it’s really going to be a hit or miss. Parole is entirely dependent on Purple Jesus coming back, but then he’s got to go up against a Saints team that will start the game with a 21 point lead over the Vikings, forcing them to abandon the run from the get go. That, of course, is assuming he even plays, which is no guarantee. For Cheese, he’s got to hope MJD scores big again. Four touchdown big isn’t happening, especially against Atlanta’s defense, but a decent game combined with Tom Brady against Denver, and another good game from Julio Jones could mean he’s heading to defend his title. However … I don’t see all of those players with back-to-back great weeks. Cheese will score, because his team is good, but I don’t know if it will be enough to stymie a Parole team ready for the challenge. PAROLE WINS, 67-62.
PJD’s Shirtless Men vs. Wilf’s Stache: Now, if you can get over me fondling myself for a couple of second here, this game might just be the playoff slugfest we’ve all been waiting for. It’s a classic Patriots v. the Colts! Cowboys and Niners! Kerrigan versus Harding! … Er, really, it should be pretty good. When PJD’s and Wilf’s faced off twice earlier this season, they split the series in epic fashion. PJD won the first game early in the season 56 to 55, while Wilf pinned me down with his forearms in Week 11 as he won then, 54 to 52. Consistency! So what happens when it matters most? It’s going to be a god damn shoot-out, that’s what. Both teams have amazing quarterback play against ridiculously dumb opponents this week as PJD get Aaron Rodgers vs. the Chiefs and Wilf’s has Drew Brees against our favorite Vikings. PJD also gets John Kasay, the Saints kicker, and solid yet unspectacular players in Stephen Jackson, Dwayne Bowe, and Rob Gronkowski. The problem is that they are wildly inconsistent, and that doesn’t help when you’re facing a team like Wilf’s. This dude gets Brees, as mentioned, with Marshawn Lynch, Roddy White, Antonio Gates, and smartly pairs Jordy Nelson against PJD’s Aaron Rodgers. DAMN YOU! I hate to say it, but I think PJD get’s a nice one-and-done in the playoffs, and Wilf’s Jew Stache heads to the finals as WILF WINS, 72-59.
Toilet News: I wanted to report on who was going to win the Toilet Bowl, or the last place spot in the consolation games, but then I looked and saw that those games didn’t even include the 13th and 14th worst teams because there weren’t enough weeks for them to roll in poop together. Meaning? The elusive and absent Ponder’s Porn Palace wins 14th place. As his reward? We all shit on him and he gets kicked out of the league for next year. Hurray!
Enjoy the game, Final Four. Should be some good ones. See you during the Championship!