*blows on fingers*
Have we started playing this fantasy football season yet? … Oh, we have? Well, who made the playoffs? Oh, I did?! Really! My goodness! I must have just snuck into the playoffs with such a wide array of teams in this year’s league and such BRILLIANT team strategists managing their rosters, didn’t I? I did what? I got the number one seed? Why, did everyone die for about eight weeks? This is amazing! I never would have thought that I would get such reward! Or … wait, I was playing a bunch of douche nozzles who started players on bye weeks and in a league where the manager allowed ties to occur? … I’M the manager?! Well … clearly I just cheated this whole season, didn’t I? I am awesome.
How awesome are the rest of you? Not very. And here’s why.
Week Results: IIIINNNN YOOOOOOUUUURRRR FFAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE to everyone. I end up beating Tebow’s Bible Camp because he was a finger licker who started talking shit on Twitter before he had actually won the game. For that? Norv Turner benched Phillip Rivers who was six yards away from tying our fantasy game up, dropping my dumb ass down to the third spot (or something around there), and propelling Cheeseheads up to number one. But no …. Norv had other ideas, like losing his job despite beating the listless Jaguars. Hopefully he gets canned, which means that everyone (who matters) will win! So screw you, Tebow. That’s what you get for naming your shit team after that circumcised freak face.
In other news, Wilf’s Stache was the lucky thigh master who snuck into the playoffs this year. He was the last team in, but miraculously ended up with the fourth seed. I don’t know how that happened (“You see, moron, wins and losses and nerd sounds are coming out of your mouth right now”), but Feisty Fingers definitely “blew” that one in trying to knock him out and help Moose Knuckles in. That didn’t happen despite him throttling SHIVA in their game. Also, the Rose Gardeners win this year’s “Miami Dolphins” award for having a great late … quarter? … of a season and becomes the team to watch next year (if we were keeping rosters and all) as he ended up with three wins and smoking Percy’s Pot Dealer down to the nub. Good season, fella! Wish you would have played it more.
TOYOTAS BLOW ME OUT AWARD OF THE WEEK: This week’s Toyota award is both a blessing and a curse, largely because it goes to Touchdown. One one hand – Big surprise! Touchdown scored a shit-ton of points this week. He’s like the Aaron Rodgers of fantasy football without actually having Aaron Rodgers on his team and, you know, not having all of those wins of course. The bad news? It doesn’t matter as he finished 9th overall with a 6-7 record, despite him having the third highest points-for total this season with 766 points, and definitely the highest points-against with 772. Sucks bro. For his opponent that he crushed, Parole Models, you should just feel embarrassed. This loss dropped her from one point away from being the one seed with a first round bye, to third seed with a game this week against a scrappy Tebow’s team. It’s like her team fell harder than my respect for Leslie Frazier. BOOM!
Medal of the Week: What a son of a bitch. Despite turning in the worst record and generally not caring about this league in the slightest, somehow that cock boy Rose ended up with easily the most medals from the regular season, picking up eight with thanks to his highest scoring defense in the last week of the regular season. Eight? There has been, like, five of us stuck on five medals as it were, and he swoops in at the end with this smeared crap. GTFO. While ridiculous in the largest sense, I will give him props. While the rest of us were focused on mundane things like winning football games and such, Rose played us all for fools and stole the medal award. Well played, you Canadian bastard. Well played.
Final Season Standings: In the end, this is how the overall standings look like at the completion of the regular season. Some surprises here. First, I thought for sure I was going to lose my overall spot in the division (and league!) at some point. And while Tebow’s kept it close throughout the year, he lost when it mattered. GAAAAAAYYYYY. Cheeseheads and Wilf’s are perhaps most surprising, as they finished the regular season both on a pair of four game win streaks to solidify spots in the playoffs. I remember early when Cheese was looking like a Vikings team and we all wrote him off. I swear if that monkey lover wins back-to-back fantasy championships I will poop a brick. We must rally together and prevent this at all costs, for the love of humanity. Also, I think we should give Wilf’s some credit for only having five waiver wire transactions this entire season, yet still ending up with the fourth seed. That’s good draftin’. Ted Thompson drafting, even!
Playoff Bracket: Alright, on to the good stuff. We have PJD’s with the one seed and a first round bye. He’s looking at facing the winner between Wilf’s Stache (4 seed, and a JEW!) and SHIVA (5 seed, and an INDIAN!), both a couple of tough teams. I almost wish I would have ended up as Cheeseheads did, who also has a first round bye this week with the number two seed. He gets to face the winner between Parole Models (3 seed, and a FELON!) and Tebow’s (6 seed, and a BRIAN WASHED MUMMY!). I would so rather have that path to the playoffs. Cake walk, bitches. Let’s break these two playoffs games down.
Predictions – Wilf’s Stache v. SHIVA BLASTER: OOOOOOOOOOO, this is a good looking game. Currently, SHIVA is projected to win by two (Note: These are all projected without any line-up changes, I’m guessing, since most of you clueless owners don’t bother to look at your team until post-waivers, which is early Thursday morning), but that could change in an instant. Both teams have some reliable QB’s, but the edge has to go to Wilf’s with Drew Brees who is just on a terror right now. Romo? He’s Romo in December. Flub. Both team’s receivers are nice (Roddy White on one hand Anquan Boldin and Santonio Holmes on the other), but neither have anything scary at running back. I’d give the edge again to Wilf with Marshawn Lynch, who’s turned out as a nice surprise this season. Antonio Gates could potentially go off at tight end for Wilf, giving him an edge, and I’d think Wilf’s kicker, Jason Hanson for Detroit, will have an orgasmic day against the Vikings. Put together, that makes it hard for me to believe SHIVA can pull this game out, but I just don’t know. Dude’s got the most points-for of any team this year, somehow with this underwhelming roster For some reason, I think he pulls it out again. We’ll say 67-54, SHIVA. ON TO THE NEXT ROUND, DOUCHE!
Predictions – Parole Models v. Tebow’s Bible Camp: I have a hard time believing that Parole is going to keep her luck going. For most of the year she’s been top-bitch (female dog, guys) in her division, but how? Big Ben? Jabar Gaffney? An injured Matt Forte? Robbie Gould? This team sounded pretty good early in the year, but injuries and the wear of a season have decimated this team. Parole might get Miles Austin back, but who cares when you have Tony Homo throwing the ball. Tebow’s has struggled too since Laser Face has been having a douche-canoe of a season. And with roster spots filled with people like Brandon Lloyd, Mike Tolbert, Kendall Hunter?, and Ryan Longwell, I … Good lord. I don’t even know how that team breaks 20 points. I thought Parole’s team was bad, but this team looks horrible. Tebow’s is actually favored to win HEAVILY right now at 54-43, but I don’t see it. I think Parole will sneak out a defensive struggle (is that even a thing in fantasy football?) and win something like 53-47. NICE!
Think the games turn out differently? Let’s hear your take in the comments. Otherwise, good luck, poop heads. Cheese and I will be drinking port and laughing at all of you scrubs competing this week. For the rest of you, there is still some consolation bracket that’s going on, but I don’t give a shit about you. I hope Ponder’s Porn Palace wins the Toilet Bowl so we can kick his ass out already. Enjoy the games.