If you can’t believe it, neither can I.
No, not that we’re already recapping the results from week one of the new Purple Jesus Diaries Fantasy Football League (which is open to the public to view! Click the link, moron!), but that your dumb ass league commissioner really did decide it would be a totally legitimate idea to bump the teams up to 14 total, with each team getting 16 players! How could this go wrong?! I mean, do the math and …. that’s like … 224 players and defenses? The f*ck? WHO LET THIS HAPPEN?! Now I have large breasted men on my fantasy team like Toby Gerhart and Javarris James. Is he even signed to a team anymore or is he in the UFL already? What an idiot.
So consider yourself warned; I am more than prepared to make drastic, sweeping, arousing changes for next season including scoring, number of teams and number of players per team. SO DON’T SCREW UP! You ditch out on this league and stop shit talking I will DROP your ass. Like my testicles finally. I MEAN IT. So let’s get to the recap!
Weekly Results: I would like to formally apologize (not really) to Parole Models and Percy’s Pot Dealer for not setting up rules before the season for deciding tied games. As a result, we have two teams that scored 69 points in week one (so hot … so hot …) and they were playing (with) each other. However, I kind of like it. Teams tying in fantasy and in the NFL are both frustrating and beneficial. On one hand, you may have just wasted all of the football games trying to see which one of your players would just get ONE more point to help you win, and then you get nothing. No one wins. BOO. On the other hand, even though you feel like you kind of lost, I have a feeling that these ties will end up helping these two undeserving goofs sneak into the playoffs in the end, and that just pisses me off to no extent. So enjoy it, and don’t complain to much.
In other news, Cheeseheads scored big (82 points) thanks to Tom Brady going big dick style on South Beach, while sckoehl1108 scored sloppy seconds with 71 points thanks to WELKAH and his ultimate whiteness. After week one, you can clearly see that the gayer division is the tougher one, as there are four winners in the Brandon Bernard Lovers division and only two in the Julius Allan Bangers division. I don’t know HOW I keep ending up in the better division two years straight, but it has everything to do with me cheating and weighting my division to make me look better (is that a thing?).
Also, since we have 14 teams now, I have no idea what the hell else happened in your game. Please enlighten us in the comments.
These Players Can Shut Up and Die: Tom Brady scored big this week, and that’s more or less to be expected. Whatever. He’s Brady. His hair is worth like four points as is. What I don’t get is Feisty Fingers and her benched quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Four touchdowns? Did he go full retard? Will Feisty start him next week versus Oakland? Her other option is Eli Manning. I can’t verify this beyond a reasonable doubt, but I am fairly certain he also has down syndrome.
Also of note in this section is Kenny Britt having 125+ receiving yards and 2 touchdowns, while the Titans put up something like four points on the day, somehow. Y U NO GIVE BALL TO CHRIS JOHNSON??! I hate the NFL sometimes.
Fantasy Football Q&A: Got a Fantasy Football question you need answered? Try to be proactive and ask it about the upcoming week, or share a story with the league about a tough decision you made and how you either experienced wonderful success or debilitating failure. Shoot me an email HERE and we’ll feature it to fill space. Bonus points for eye candy!
Don’t Fantasize About Vikings: Did anyone start a Viking? Your best bet would have been Percy Harvin or Michael Jenkins … or maybe even Ryan Longwell. He had at least like 5 points. That list is pretty embarrassing though. I know for a fact I did not start Joe Webb or Toby Gerhart, both of whom I have the ultimate pleasure of having on my team, and I am thankful for that. Joe Webb was in the game twice and was given two completely predictable Wild Cat plays which netted black hole type yardage. Dumb. Not even Purple Jesus got in the endzone this week which just infuriates me, and his owner, whoever that may be. Lesson? Don’t start a Vikings player.
Looking Forward: The best game for the upcoming week is going to be between Tebow’s Bible Camp and sckoehl1108 (worst fantasy team name ever? Yes). This is because this is the only match up this week between two teams who are both 1-0. Tebow’s will likely rely on the arm of King Laserface against against a New England defense that let Chad Henne put up decent numbers on them while also relying on Andre Johnson to stride like a bau5 into the endzone. However, I fully expect Matt Fatt Tolbert not to have a stellar game for him again, as he isn’t playing a Vikings defense. That’s only once a year, bud. Sckoehl1108 will likely look for strong games from Tony Homo and WELKAH again, but the rest of his roster looks lacking. I can’t IN CONFIDENCE predict a win for him, so I will give this week’s match up to Tebow’s Bible Camp.
Tell us about your game! I wasn’t paying attention! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your matchup screen! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT. Enjoy week two!