So Brett Favre is back. Big surprise.
Before I go into my spiteful, angry, irrational, and tired spiel about how I am fucking sick of Brett Favre and wish he would die from a microphone stabbing, let’s get some very honest and plain truths out of the way first.
Clearly, the Vikings are a much better team with Favre at the helm than without him. Yes, I would much rather him quarterbacking this team than TarVar, Sage, or Joe Webb. I would even rather have him as the coach instead of Childress. With Favre, the Vikings are a Super Bowl contender, without him they’re maybe 8-8. Yes, I know a lot of people like him, and no, I don’t know why.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t still think that him, and his pants creaming fans, are still a bunch of cock slobbering pricks.
Let me back up just a bit. A lot of people take issue with the fact that, despite Favre almost single handily taking the team I idiotically root for on a weekly basis almost to the Super Bowl, I still hold terrible, horrible, feelings of black hatred towards him. Now, suuuurrre, we toss the word “hate” around a lot here. It’s easy to do because this is the internet, you see. Do I really hate him? Probably not. I mean, I probably hate him like I hate Packer fans, or getting an ingrown toe nail, or when my wife says “No blow job tonight, honey!” It’s really more dislike, annoyance, death threats, things like that. Not hate like you hate Hitler. Or Tatum Channing.
But I also fail to see why I should all of a sudden turn coat and fall in looooove with this cock sucker. Why, because he’s a Vikings? Because he put some purple on and leads my team? Absolutely not. Listen, the same reasons I rolled my eyes at Favre when he was in Wisconsin are the same reasons I get scrunch face now when he shows up on TV. His southern charm schtick makes me sick. His “Gosh Darn” attitude is bullshit and fake. And his retarded play at times is predictable and often times back breaking. And people give him a free pass for it.
And that’s the other thing. Sure, it’s easy to blame Favre for everything, because ultimately he’s the one who throws the interceptions or passes beyond the line of scrimmage. But what’s worse are the people who react to him, both ways, both those who love him and those who hate him. And yes, I’m well aware of the irony of me now hating myself.
For example, here are some of the random Tweets that appeared yesterday from Favre fans who were able to work their texting thumbs between convulsions over the Favre plane landing. From mow4it:
“Singing “My Brett Favre Back”- the #4 flag is going up the flagpole today, a little ceremony and more. having#4 waffles”
Are you serious? What the fuck are “#4 waffles” anyway? I mean, I love me some waffles, but come the fuck on people. And another one from michellemankato:
“Thome & Favre, Will both be at the Big White House shaking Obama’s hand at the end of the season.”
What? No they won’t. They’ll both be lucky to live through the end of the year. And from ryguyMN:
East coast is jealous the Midwest is stealing some of the sports thunder. Everything is not about NY or Boston.
*sigh* Right, because if you ask anyone in New York what they would rather have, a walk off home run against the White Sox and Brett Favre or 21 MLB CHAMPIONSHIPS, I’m sure they’ll tell you how jealous they are of Minnesota.
Maybe I’m just being an asshole (big surprise!), but it’s this fawning over Favre that makes me hate Favre even more. The fans are the worst (now that Madden is slowly dying somewhere), but the media is pretty bad too. And even worse is when the media gets all meta on you and makes a joke about covering Favre again, and then they spend an entire day covering him and talking about how much they hate to cover him, just like – to get SUPER meta-meta on you – I am doing now.
This leads to assholes like Tedy Bruschi acting like a bitch on TV, me having to listen to Mark Schlereth go on, and on, and on, about his playing time in Denver, and then having my ear drums explode when that fat fuck Mike Golic starts screaming at me as well. I DON’T FUCKING CARE ASSHOLES. Quit waxing poetics, showing montage clips, and jerking each other off under the desk. No one can like Favre that much. He’s not Purple Jesus. And really? Everyone … I repeat … EVERYONE … knew this was going to happen. Media heads bitching because he was waffling, players had to beg him to return, blah, blah, blah … it was always going to happen like this. But if the NFL found out that a coach just let a guy miss training camp because no one fucking cared, it’d be a shit storm. Quit analyzing it. We all know the wink’n’nod here, so let’s just move on.
And so because of that, because I have nowhere else to turn, I look at Favre and think “YOU started this, asshole!”, like some retarded blond girlfriend who gets pissed off for getting dumped after she gets pregnant when she CLEARLY should have known I was never going to marry her. What? But you get the point. Favre is the impetus behind all of this and, for me anyway, not super likeable as is, so it’s pretty easy to focus on him and get discouraged. Sure, it’s easy to hate Scherelth too (and I do!), but he didn’t throw that interception. And until he does, I’ll just continue to focus on Favre.
Is it fair? Fuck no. Does he care? Of course not. He’s making $30 billion per game this year. I wouldn’t either. Do I look like a whiny bitch for writing this all out? You bet your ass I do. Is Rachel Nichols hotter than Erin Andrews? I’m not sure, but she’s getting there. All I know is that Vikings fans have one more hell of a season to go through, with all the ups and downs, cheers and profanities, likeable and unlikeable players.
And I’d probably be lying if I said I wanted it any other way.