“SWEET CRANBERRY STAINED MISSTRESS PANTIES!! Did you guys SEE that SHIT?! WHAT. THE. FUCK. OK, OK … go back to the :10 second mark or so and CHECK ME OUT driving like an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT ACROSS THE BORDER WITH TEN KILOS OF SWEET, SWEET BLOW STRAPPED TO MY BACK and into the tunnel. I BARELY MADE IT OFF THE TURF FUCKING ALIVE.
“But you think that was the worst? YOU ARE FAR WRONG, YOU SNOWED IN VAGINA WACKER. The Metrodome IS MUCH WORSE than you could imagine. Worse than 35W, the Hidenberg, and a Jennifer Gardner movie ALL COMBINED. WORSE THAN A TARVAR JUMP PASS. You have NO IDEA the horrors I’ve now seen.
“But let me share them with you before I WASH MY MEMORY CLEAN WITH DIESEL FUEL FROM A TURNED OVER PLOW TRUCK.
“The story you’ve heard told you FINGER BLASTERS that the Dome Home deflated and a gaping hole tore out in the roof that could only rival YOUR MOM’S VAGINAL TUNNEL at 5:00 AM Sunday morning. THAT IS FACT, YOU LIMP DICK! ABSOLUTEL FACT. Also fact? That VIKTOR and Percy were in the Dome trying to, ah, ‘cure his migraines’, if you know what I’m saying, when some ashes from a FULL POUND SMOKE STICK WRAPPED IN MAPLE CURED ROLLING PAPERS floated a BIT TOO HIGH (pun intended, ass butts) to the Teflon Don and BOOM! THE SHIT WENT FULL METAL JACKET!
“We ran for it. I mean, we were giggling and geeking out like when you first TOUCHED YOUR GAYBO’S COCK TIP and we made it out alive. BUT WE WERE LOCKED IN, GOD DAMMIT. We were locked in, and escape wasn’t an option. The doors were frozen shut, the stair wells were FUCKING TOMBS, and the scaffolding to take us to the TORN NAZI FLAG HOLE had dropped like your nut sack, FINALLY. WE WEREN’T GOING ANYWHERE, AND WE WERE FREEZING TO DEATH!
“We did what we had to to. We snorted coke, planted mushrooms in the darkest and muskiest corners of the Dome (don’t check by Hutch’s locker this week …), burned Ragnar for warmth, and … and … FUCK I CAN’T SAY IT!! … AND AFTER THE RATIONS RAN OUT WE ATE DOME DOGS. OH GOD … OH, MY GOD THEY’RE TERRIBLE! I would rather eat PERCY’S FUCKING FACE than shove another one of those VINEGAR PIG AND DUST DICKS DOWN MY THROAT. We vomited. We ate the vomit. Then we vomited more. And we wept SALTY DOME DOG TEARS and shivered under the open roof. We staked out our territory as horrible, horrible BEASTS and GHOSTS crept out from the basement of the Dome, cursing us as we waved make shift FLARES FROM HIDDEN FIREWORKS. I THINK ONE WAS THE GHOST OF CHUCK KNOBLAUCH. No worries though … He was throwing snow balls at us only, and they were WAY THE FUCK OFF THE MARK.
“Things got pretty fucking nasty in there, dick tasters, I’m not going to lie. BUT OLD VIKTOR HERE PERSEVERED!! I’M BACK, BABY! After a night chasing ghosts and getting STONED OUT OF OUR MINDS, Percy and I realized we were PUSHING on a door instead of PULLING. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??! Fucking thing opened RIGHT UP and we went our separate ways, him back to the team hotel and me BACK TO THE SKYLIGHT LOUNGE!!
“But I swear to you … Not even the SUPERDOME can carry a looting rock to this fiasco. I WAS LOCKED IN THERE FOR LIKE, FOUR HOURS. My horrors are INCOMPARABLE I TELL YOU. Oh, you had OTHER PEOPLE in your Terror Dome to RAPE, KILL, and STEAL FROM?? AND IT WAS 100 DEGREES??!! That only sounds like A GOD DAMN VACATION!! So FUCK YOU!! I froze a nut off in that Dome all morning. NOW I ONLY HAVE TWO. … Or …. wait, that’s normal? NOT WHEN YOU TEACH A QUARTERBACK HOW TO SEXT, IT AIN’T!
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go LIE IN THE FETAL POSITION in my shower and forget what Percy and I had to do to keep warm … His smell will never leave me …”
Enjoy the Monday night game now, ladies! Game review on Tuesday.