It was barely a year ago when middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears, Brian Urlacher, who apparently likes to squeeze boobs (but really, who doesn’t), called his new franchise quarterback “a pussy”. And I’m pretty sure he wasn’t saying it in French, which I think is a term of endearment there.
However, Urlacher appears to have had a change of heart since then, as he recently commented on a radio interview that he now thinks Jay Cutler is “awesome”. Hmm. Awesome? Like, awesomely bad? Awesomely sulky? Awesomely terrible in any and all pressure situations, including putting his pants on? Something about this quote just wasn’t adding up, but luckily for you, dear reader, PJD was able to get to the bottom of what Urlacher really meant …
In several candid texts back and forth between Urlacher and PJD, we were able to establish what he really meant by saying Jay Cutler was awesome. Brian texts:
“Yes, I said Cutler is awesome, but my quote was taken out of context. The full quote was ‘Cutler is an awesome pussy’.”
Whoa, I’m sorry? An awesome pussy? Like he’s an amazing whiner, or he’s surprisingly soft when getting tackled by burly men? Brian’s response:
“No, I mean he HAS an awesome pussy. Really, it’s nice. It looks pretty tight, well trimmed, doesn’t reak. Definitely not like that Hilton girl’s.”
Oh. So … Jay is some kind of pouty hermaphrodite? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe he’s not even a hermaphrodite. Maybe he is just a woman. His dropping chin and lack of an Adam’s Apple has always made me wonder. But why this change of heart?
“I don’t know man. You start thinking crazy things in the locker room. I’ll just say Jay’s been extremely friendly to his teammates so far this season. Think it had to do with a Mike Martz suggestion to ‘distribute the balls’.”
Well obviously that was taken out of context. But on the plus side, it’s great to hear that everyone in Chicago land is getting along so swell, and congratulations are in order to Jay Cutler for being the first female professional football player. This is an amazing step in gender equality, and I couldn’t imagine a prettier face to be at the forefront of this movement.