Over the weekend, former Minnesota Viking defensive tackle John Randle was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame. During his induction, he gave a moving speech that was eye opening in that it remained true to his trash talking roots typically heard from opposing players on the field. What fans saw on TV was an edited version that erased the shocking expletives, but amazingly PJD got our hands on the full version of the speech, which we share with you today. Congrats to Randle and his family, and to his enemies, you still better watch out.
Wow. Well, it’s too late, they can’t take it back now. I’m here; I’m in, and I swear to god if any of you pip-sqeuak nerds try to take this bust away from me I will break your face in.
First of all, I want to thank John Teerlinck for presenting me, motivating me, focusing me on the game that I love. I also want to say, John, thank you for saying I could excel and play in the National Football League, even though I wasn’t drafted, didn’t play for a major school. Because I quickly figured out that if even people like Tarvaris Jackson can remain on a team for four years, I sure as hell could have one of the best careers ever. Also thank you for showing me what sometimes I didn’t see in myself, mainly a huge hulking man that could make opposing centers shit their pants with my eye makeup.
Also I want to thank my hometown, Mumford, Texas, population 150, 151 if you count the communal goat at old Johnson’s farm. I also want to thank Herron, Texas, where I went to high school, and the sexy math teacher that always wore those low cut shirts which motivated me to stay in school, so I could keep on lookin’. Also I’d like to thank Keith Waters, who many of you may not know. Keith coached me at Trinity Valley Community College. He also convinced me to continue with my dream of playing football when I was uncertain about college and my future. He also encouraged me to go to Texas A&I with a rich winning tradition, which was silly, because it’s Texas A&I. I know, I’d never heard of it either. Thank you also for all my college teammates at Texas A&I. Thank you, guys for showing me which cheerleaders were the most … friendly.
Next I’d like to thank the Minnesota Vikings, but not that asshole Red McCombs, a team that believed in me, gave me a chance to play defensive line when most teams thought I was undersized and I wasn’t going to make the team.
Also a lot of credit goes to my teammates at the Vikings and, although obviously not as much because no one pays attention to them, also the Seattle Seahawks, and especially my teammates when I first got in the league, such guys at Henry Thomas, Chris Doleman, and Randall McDaniel. Thank you, guys, for taking me under your wing and showing me the way to the nearest strip clubs. If you ever find yourself entering the Skyway Lounge in Minneapolis, people, just turnaround and leave, unless you got these guys there to inform you about which strippers DON’T have the clap.
I’d also like to thank Jerry Burns, Denny Green for seeing something in me and also believing that I could make the team, but I would have been ever more thankful for a coach that knew how to manage the clock and not piss away a chance at a Super Bowl.
I also want to thank Dennis Ryan, the head equipment guy from the Minnesota Vikings for finding a shoulder pad that would fit this small body. This, of course, helped to make other certain parts of me look HUGE, right Shanko? I’d also like to thank the fans for those days when I thought I had given my all and had nothing left to give. You may not believe this, but those days when I believed that I couldn’t go on, I didn’t have the strength to continue, you gave me the strength to play hard, practice hard, and to go out there and play a hundred percent on every play, because if I didn’t, all I’d hear for the next week was crying, moaning, and high pitched squeals from hick fans that have nothing better to do with their life. Jesus, you Vikings fans are idiots.
I also would like to thank my two big brothers Dennis and Ervin Randle. Thank you for letting me follow you around Mumford, Texas, when we were growing up, even though I know brothers hate it when other brothers do this. But look, now we’re all millionaires, so I’d say we all made up for it. I’d also like to thank my mom, who is no longer here. She raised three boys by herself with very little money, and you have no idea how much of a pain in the ass that is. Thank you, mom, for teaching me how to talk trash on the field. I love you.
I’d also like to thank my loving family, my wife Candace, she is my strength and best friend, and co-signer on the house, and my kids who are my pride and joy. I also want to thank my whole family in Texas and a new one in Minnesota, except for any red headed fans, for being on this journey with me and also for helping me believe in myself and continue after football.
I also am so humbled by this incredible honor which I never thought was possible, until I saw someone like Michael Irvin, who seriously stabbed someone in the neck with a pair of scissors, get into the Hall as well. I figured my time was coming real quick. Thank you to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, everyone who played a part in electing me for making this small-town kid’s dream come true.
Thank you. And Brett Favre, you can still eat dirt, you Packer backing bitch. I’m sacking your ass on stage during your Hall speech.