Ray Edwards has been in the news over this past weekend for being an unmoving stone amid a sea of turmoil when it comes to NFL player contracts.
The noble Edwards has taken it upon himself to take a stance and show just how unjust and irresponsible it has been this offseason to limit normally unrestricted free agents to being just restricted free agents this year, forcing these players to potentially lose, if our math is correct, trillions of dollars on the open market. Ray understands that while his position may not be popular with the team, and the fans, it is a stance he must take.
“You know, not everyone liked what Muhammad Ali had to say, or Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, or even Jesus Christ … what their pretty words, and shit, or whatever were …” Said Ray, apparently struggling for the proper terms in what must be his deep and complex mind. “But they had the will power to fight through the diversity … no, wait, adversity, and come out on top, man, like … damn, they stood up for something! And I’m totally like that. Like Jesus, man. You can edit this before you print it, right?”
Edwards is referencing the fact that the Minnesota Vikings, the team he currently plays for, has only placed a single first-round tender on him instead of a first and a third-round tender, forcing Edwards to lose out on close to a million dollars. If this tender is signed, Edwards will only have a paltry $2.5 million dollars to pay for his lifestyle and family. How is he supposed to live?!?
Harnessing his inner Latrell Sprewell, Edwards said that he is mostly just concerned with feeding his family, but also knows that fundamentally what the league is doing to players like Ray is terribly unjust.
“I was set to make like, probably … *one, two, three, four* … uh, 12-teen million dollars this next year if I would have hit the open market, man! I mean, come on! The Eagles would have signed me for probably 22 years, $400 million, or the Saints would have nabbed me for probably more. But that’s not the point, the point is that not only am I missing out on this money, but so are tons of … uh … other, dudes. Too. Yeah.”
Despite the fact that Ray Edwards has been a vastly underperforming defensive end in the NFL for his entire career, that the entire world is in a damning economic recession, and that most teams rarely overpay for a right defensive end that is mediocre, Edwards remains firm in his stance.
“I have to do this” he said, while counting hundreds on his throne of gold while his pet rare albino condor sat perched next to him. “If I don’t, who will stand up for these poor athletes that are forced to raise their families on a limited income? I mean, with a first-round tender I can’t compete against LeBron James, you know?”
When asked about Ray Edwards, however, LeBron said, “Who? Is that the blind piano dude?”