Look who’s back: It was finally revealed on Sunday why Randy Moss was traded: He told Tom Brady that his long hair makes him look like a girl. Naturally, fisticuffs were then had, Moss was traded, and Tom Brady went and stuck his man meat in another fantastic super model. But I don’t care, because Randy Moss is back in Vikings purple, rocking the 84 jersey, and something pants wetting is about to happen. It may be a horrible losing streak that implodes this team, moves this franchise, and ends several players’ careers, but my god … wouldn’t that be awesome? I would still watch the hell out of a season like that. Naturally, the flip side of this is Moss reaches back into his hat of tricks, goes all 150 yards and three touchdowns on the Jets, and the Vikings ride this wave to a Super Bowl. Chances are we’ll be somewhere in the middle, because there’s a lot going on Monday night. Super Freak returns, the Vikings come back from a bye week (FINALLY!), Cock Croc makes his first appearance after the Deadspin story, and we get to see Rex Ryan make faces like this all night long. Yeah, it’s going to be pretty awesome.
Thanks to K I L L E R C H E F from Rube Chat for another great game day preview graphic!
Primetime games are bad news for the Vikings: So I would probably be more excited for this game if it didn’t start four hours after Brett Favre’s self imposed deadline for eating dinner. Monday night games kick off when, at 7:30 PM? We’re fucked, and we HAVE been fucked for these late night games with Brett Favre. Arizona, Carolina, and Chicago were all classic examples from last season. The exception of course being against Green Bay, but I’m sure Old Man took three naps that day to make sure he was up for the Packers. The problem here, of course, is that he’s old as shit and can’t stay up late. The other issue has to have something to do with Childress being an asshole who doesn’t know how to coach his team in spotlight games, because he needs to be blamed for things at all times. But to say that I have close to zero confidence in the Vikings during a prime time game would be a pretty flush understatement. Maybe it’s the culture of expecting disappointment that permeates the Viking organization, or maybe it’s just Brett Favre deciding he wants the spotlight all to himself (big surprise!), but “Vikings” and “after 5:00 PM” is pretty much a guaranteed recipe for disaster. I’ve been to a Monday Night Football game at the Metrodome once. It was a handful of years ago against the Patriots. Remember that one? Childress’ first year I think on Halloween? We got smoked, because that douche bag coach couldn’t make adjustments under the hot lights. The only good part of that night was collecting Michael Irvin masks on Popsicle sticks that my brother and I then hid around the apartment for the rest of the year. Imagine, open a shower curtain in the morning and BOOM! Irvin looking at your dick. Fucked up, but hilarious.
NFC North check in: For two years straight now I’ve spent a seemingly innocuous Sunday afternoon with the wife’s family members who all happen to be Packer fans, while the Packers are playing. Last year it was when they matched up against Tampa Bay, and this year it was this Sunday, which was against the Redskins. Clearly, both games they have lost, which also then proves, without a doubt, that I have the unnatural ability to affect the outcome of any Packers game when I am surrounding her family. Fucking awesome. I’m afraid to abuse this power, largely because I don’t want to lose it. What I really wanted to talk about though, was fuck you Packers, your players are all dying and you look overrated and gay. By my count, 72 players were injured in their game yesterday, including Jermichael Finley, Gay Matthews, a couple offensive linemen, and then Aaron Rodgers got a concussion. YOU HAVE TO SIT OUT THE NEXT GAME NOW, THAT’S TEH RULES! That game was rather pleasurable. In related news, I still can’t really believe the Bears won, even if it was against the terrible Panthers, and you know the Lions were just releasing years of pent up sexual frustration all over the Rams face yesterday when they went for a 44-6 win. Shaun Hills; how do they work? Good, though. They deserve at least two other wins this year, against the Bears and the Packers, so it’s nice to see their fortunes turning around a wee bit.
OK, OK, let’s talk some Favre penis: By now we’ve all heard (seen? I think so) about Brett Favre sending his dick in picture to a girl who all of a sudden doesn’t want to be misjudged as just some girl with a body, Jenn Sterger. There are four things I want to say on this. First, if he did in fact do this, and try to entice other women throughout his career, with penis shots, through Croc fashion, all while married to a cancer lady with kids, that’s fucked up and he should be vilified as much as Michael Vick, Kobe Bryant, and Ted Kaczynski, largely because that just means people will hate him as much as I do already. Other than that, I don’t really care about it, because people fuck, murder, steal, and cheat all of the god damn time and no one does anything, so why is this different? It’s just as fucked up as everyone else. Second, the ridiculous Favre dick suckers (which has a funnier meaning now) who have preached the “leave him alone!”, “why would you care about another guys dick?” and “it has nothing to do with football, so I don’t care” all need to shut the fuck up. Yes you do care, because it’s Brett Favre. People cared a WHOLE LOT about Vick, and that wasn’t football related. And also? If he was a Packer right now you can bet your ass you and I would be lambasting him every second we could. So get off your high horse, shit heads. Third, Deadspin looks smarmy as fuck releasing this, and kind of a bit desperate. I say that as someone who doesn’t give a shit what Deadspin releases, and someone who loves sensationalized, soap opera athlete drama as much as the next vagina face, but something about how Deadspin handled this (really how they wrote it with seemingly smug face the whole time) I didn’t like. Whatever. No one cares. Finally, yes, we all looked at his dick. So? Let’s talk. Pretty crooked, amirite? It’s not a pretty nether region. It looks like a fur bomb exploded from his ball fro down to his knees. Trim that shit, dude. And hey, let’s just say it makes me feel pretty good about my junk down under. Now, sure, Favre is well known for having large hands, which (if it’s him in the shots) may make his wang look smaller, but he should have thought of that before sending it out to the world, shouldn’t he?
I’m sure we’ll talk about this more though, because it’s hilarious.
Meme of the week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven (he’s like Zygi!) Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, and Sexually Oblivious Rhino. This week we introduce you to another favorite of mine, Courage Wolf. Courage Wolf is great because he doesn’t take any shit from anyone, and even if he did, he’d end up eating it and then barfing it up, saying “I guess your shit didn’t take” or something equally awesome. Know Your Meme describes Courage Wolf as such: “In contrast to Advice Dog [Ed. Note – We’ll talk about him later], who might unknowingly lead you to do something you’ll regret, Courage Wolf will help you achieve greatness.” I thought Courage Wolf was the perfect meme to introduce people to this week because of what’s on the image. Oh, we have a team which already employs Favre, Peterson, , Winfield, Harvin,, Shiancoe, the Williamses, and Hutchinson? Whatever, fucking get Moss too. PROFIT! Fucking video game magic is what it is.
Scotch of the week: Mint Juleps! OK, clearly not just a regular scotch or even whiskey I would normally suggest, the Mint Julep still gets high notes from me this week because A) I use Jim Beam to make mine, which I am giving you the recipe to below and B) I still have this magic elixir surging through my system after an entire weekend and a half pound of mint. Anyway, it comes highly recommended, and so here is my recipe for making one:
WHAT YOU NEED:
2 shots of Beam
1 shot of simple syrup
1/2 of a lemon
5 or 6 mint leaves, depending on if they’re Favre’s cock size or not
Ice, unless you’re fucking weird
MAKE THAT SHIT!
First you’ll need to make simple syrup. It’s easy to do, unless you aren’t allowed to play with fire anymore. Take one cup of sugar, and one cup of water, and put them into a pan together. Get that shit to boil, and simmer until all the sugar has melted and there isn’t any grainy shit left. Boom. Done. Put it in the fridge for drinking time later. You can also add the juice of an entire lemon at this point as well, which is pretty gangster.
You’re going to need a shaker for this, by the way. So drop in your mint, Beam, simple syrup, squeeze in the juice from half a lemon and then drop the actual lemon in there too. You need to muddle all of this then, maybe using like the end of a wooden spoon or an actual muddler if you’re an alcoholic with one at home. Just enough so the mint is bruised (like your wife!) and smells nice. Now, drop in an ice cube, shake it up, strain it into a glass and get #drunj. You’ll love me forever.
Sexy looking New York ladies in green: Have you ever been to New York? It’s fucking crazy there. Not crazy like “Wow look at all this history, these tall buildings, these homeless people and assholes!” but crazy like “Jesus Christ, did I just see the most beautiful woman of my life??!” and you say that to yourself every five minutes. I’m not joking. David Cross had a huge skit on that once, and it’s absolutely true. This, of course, would make you believe that teams like Miami, the Giants, Jets, San Francisco, and Chicago would all have the hottest cheerleaders ever since they’re all warm and/or major metropolitan areas like New York. However, this is not true. First, I don’t even know if Chicago has cheerleaders, which is just so stupid, and for some reason, despite the logic I just laid out, I can’t imagine ever in the past or future seeing an attractive woman that also likes the New York Giants. In my mind, they all just look like Snookie. Also, if you follow this logic, imagine what the cheerleaders for Cleveland, Seattle, Tennessee and Green Bay would look like. Fuck. Anyway, with the Jets, I think it’s the boots that do me in.
Idiot game predictions: I can’t in good consciousness pick the Vikings to win this game. As noted, I don’t trust the Vikings as long as my penis when it comes to prime time games after 5:00 PM. That’s one reason. Another is that this Favre Dong scandal screams Sex Boat rocking to the team, and despite Childress addressing the players before the game and saying it won’t be a big deal, come on. It will be. It was such a big deal it has overshadowed (to a degree) Randy Moss’ return, and even the idiot Twins getting pole smoked out of the playoffs, like usual. Oh, AND the Timberwolves great preseason start! And you know Favre, Moss, and Childress are all going to try to pressure the pass to Moss. In doing so, they play right into the Jets pass rush abilities. I expect at least three interceptions from Favre tonight. And let’s be real; we’re talking about Childress trying to out-smart Rex Ryan here. There is no way that is happening! Are you kidding?! Rex Ryan is a fucking man. He’s not going to get made a bitch by Childress, of all people, especially on his home field. Defensively, I’m about 100% sure Childress and Frazier have spent all week planning to stop the Jets running game, thinking that if anyone is going to beat them, they’ll let it be young Sanchez. That’s great and everything, except Sanchez is playing fucking awesome this year, and would gladly throw all over an injured Vikings secondary. And it’s just like the Vikings to let a questionable to shitty quarterback earn their next pay check against us. It always happens like that. Finally, no one is talking about the Jets after this week of Moss and Favre, which means they have no outside pressure on them and are just going about their business of stomping ass and eating snacks. That, and the Jets just signed Logan Payne for this week, which means he gave Rexy all of the Vikings secrets. Oh noez! Sorry ladies, but I have the Jets in this one, 24-17.
Try and enjoy the game, I guess. Remember to follow us on Twitter, as we’ll post our Tweets O’ the Game in tomorrow’s game review, follow us on Facebook for more off handed and stupid comments, and feel free to e-mail us any questions, hate mail, or athlete dong pictures so we can make it big too at our Contact page. See you tomorrow, Favre-Dong and all.