Win? Why not! It’s only natural that the Vikings ended up winning this game with the way the entire year has gone so far. When it became clear that the Eagles were kind of shit out of luck with about a minute left and it really started to sink in that the Vikings would milk clock to a 24-17 win on a weird-ass Tuesday night football game, I wasn’t really sure what to think. The game was kind of like a microcosm of the season in a Bizarro world. There was competent quarterback play. Defensive backs were breaking on the ball and providing moderate coverage. Pressure was provided on the quarterback in unusual and not super predictable ways. None of these things happen with the 2010 Vikings. Yet we saw what we’ve seen the rest of the season that let us know that, yes, it is still the Vikings just with a goatee on. wasn’t trying. We didn’t actually get the easy interceptions. Brett Favre looked super fucking old. Yet we still won. I don’t … what does … so … do we get happy, I guess? Like pants happy, or just smile and hand-shake happy? I am so confused. But let’s talk about it anyway, since there’s much to discuss.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: So, clearly, Joe Webb is the player of the game for the Vikings, maybe for their entire year now, and much deserving of the Mushroom Stamp of Approval award. There were just so many things we saw from him that let us know he was a bajillion times better than TarVar had ever been. He wasn’t jumping. He was making decisive actions. He showed decent mechanics. His hands are larger than a TSA Employee’s. It was just so obvious from the beginning. What else was obvious was his poise in the pocket, which paid huge testicle dividends on the final drive for Purple Jesus’ touchdown. That third and nine pass to Harvin where he stood in the pocket and took a lick?? PFFFWWW!! Get the fuck out of here with that shit. I have NEVER seen TarVar make a pass like that. Even his deep ball showed that he was learning. Oh, under thrown to Squid early? Let’s drop it right in Percy’s bread basket next time. Joe Webb came out tonight and showed you that the team’s record wasn’t the only reason the Vikings had to get rid of Brad Childress. Brad was responsible for moving this kid to quarterback, sure, but his handling of Webb was typical of his work with rookies in how he handcuffed them and limited his players’ development. Remember not starting Peterson until halfway through his rookie season? Fucking idiot. Yes, Joe Webb was good, and this season has been so terrible that anything that looks decent is going to get blown out of proportion, but I’m still not ready to crown this kid a starter yet. If he plays well against a surprisingly tough Lions defense I’ll raise my eyebrows, but let’s get real. Even TarVar threw four touchdowns once and looked legit doing it. If we’re in position to draft a QB in the draft, we still have to do it, agreed? Agreed. But if Joe Webb smiles larger, he may change my mind.
Did Leslie Frazier just hire himself? Probably not quite yet. I mean, would YOU hire a cook because he didn’t fuck up one pasta with day old ingredients? Me neither. But I was intrigued with play calling Tuesday night. His blitz packages were brilliant, and the fact that he kept going to them and stayed with what was working until proven otherwise … I just, I didn’t even know head coaches could do that sort of stuff! The players also enjoy playing for him as well. I don’t know if that really matters or not, but you’d almost think that after a dick head coach like Childress that having a coach players actually can respond to like a human must be kind of refreshing, really, organizationally. I also wouldn’t mind the hire. People have been talking about Frazier having the entire pedigree needed for a head coaching spot for years now. He’s had a hundred interviews and hasn’t been hired yet because of all the racist team owners. And the last time we let a stud defensive coordinator walk from us he just went on to win a Super Bowl and look more and more like Omar Epps. Is Frazier the Vikings Denzel? Or some other generic looking black actor? Perhaps. Keep in mind that before this season went to your mom’s abortion clinic, Frazier was running this defense like they could pimp slap the stink off of a Kardashian. When things settle down, injuries don’t anal rape us, and we don’t play a home game in three different stadiums, Frazier might show just enough stability and poise to coach this team competently.
Your 2011 Draft Pick Update: A Vikings win at this point in the season is a bit of a double edged sword, largely because we all know this team sucks Webb fingers and we need a highly rated prospect, but in reality the team still has enough playmakers on it to keep us around 8-8 in a season. BUSH. After Tuesday’s win, this is where the Vikings sit for a draft pick:
13?? Oh, that’s a lucky number, right? Gay. The other problem is that there are some stupid tie breakers and such that could potentially drop the Vikings all the way to 16. Regardless, I’ve been hearing more and more talk that it’s unreasonable that even three quarterbacks are taken in the top 10. I kind of believe this, because there is always a receiver, running back, offensive tackle, or defensive back that stands out at the Combine and surprises people. That makes me think that some of the QBs could be pushed back into the Vikings hands if they wanted to go that route, particular Cam Newton (good!) or Ryan Mallett (Arsenic!). I still think the Vikings look elsewhere though, especially now, and particularly at either cornerback or offensive line. Right now, with all of the offensive line injuries and aging to the left side, I’d keep my eye on names like Nate Solder from Colorado, Gabe Carimi from Wisconsin, or Mike Pouncey from Florida. Any of them would upgrade our abomination of an offensive line, help PJ run wild next year, and protect a young QB. Solid move, Vikings!
The Shit List: If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, every week I normally offer you my collection of bad Vikings players that I hope become unemployed with a brain injury in the near future because they decided to play like a bag of assholes in the most recent game. I also add a quick update as to why I hope they all get colon cancer. I should also point out that this isn’t presented in most deserving order or anything, as all of these people are equally horrible. After Tuesday’s game I have the following players that deserve to stub their toe on a Shank dong, and currently here is the list:
Brad Childress (I know you were hoping Reid would stick it to us, you ass, but he got Childress’d with his penalties)
Madieu Wiliams (You were, uh, injured, right? That’s why you didn’t play so much? Yeah, keep that injury)
Bryant McKinnie (I saw you on a run play to the left where you honestly did not touch a single person. I was really just impressed with that)
Brett Favre (You know you’re not starting next week, right?)
Toby Gerhart (Vikings win, Gerhart is nonexistent. Coincidence?!)
Ban (Hey, don’t try too hard when there’s a rookie quarterback throwing to you to try and win this shit head team a game or anything, OK?)
Asher Allen (You’ve had more penalties than tackles this season, correct?)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments, but we will continue to update this list as each game progresses. I am expecting it to get quite extensive as the losses pile up and will gladly take your suggestions into consideration. So get to hating.
A Winning Haiku:
Would you ever think,
The Vikings and Andy Reid,
Would BOTH get Childress’d?
Victory talking points:
– Jamarca Sanford saw a whole bunch more playing time over Madieu Williams Tuesday night. It was probably a much overdo switch, even if it was because Williams was injured still or whatever. I haven’t seen worse angles than the last time I watched FOX News! ZING!
– The dropped interceptions killed me. Lito Sheppard and Frank Walker should both know they’re probably not coming back next year after those. However, if Walker vows to keep his beard for the 2011 season, I would welcome him back at a veteran’s minimum as the fourth or fifth CB. Maybe.
– I can’t get over how the free agent signing of Antoine Winfield may have been the greatest move in the history of the Vikings organization. Tuesday was at least the second time in his career that he’s single handidly forced a fumble or turnover and then scored a touchdown off of it. Does he have to do everything? He’s just awesome, and I feel the worst for him missing out on a Super Bowl last year. Favre and go fuck himself.
– Where has this defense been all season long? Kevin Williams played outstanding, EJ was pretty good, and even JaA played smart gap assignment instead of being an asshole all game long. This would have really helped in those losses, ladies.
– The behind-the-back shots of Joe Webb on his passes were pretty awesome. He can throw it on a rope, that’s for sure. He will have to learn a new escape move besides his roll right, shimmy once, and then keep moving bit. That was figured out pretty quickly. I’d recommend just passing for touchdowns.
That’s about it for this week. We got one more miserable game left before we start dreaming of lollipops and Super Bowls in 2011. As usual, make sure to follow us on Twitter where we’ll share news and dick jokes, Facebook like us to get news, and e-mail us your questions. I have actually received some and have been so baffled it’s just taken me a little while to get to them. But I will! Much like the Vikings will get to 2011 soon.