Well that was disappointing: Monday night was a tired, listless, unsatisfying and utterly disappointing evening, and then I put my pants back on, apologized to my wife, and then turned on the Vikings game and Christ, that wasn’t any better. The Vikings got a sexy (and old) shot in the arm at the same time Brett Favre got a shot in the shoulder, and the old 41 year old ran out on the field, drove the Vikings down the field and scored early to go up 7-0 on the division leading Bears. Then the Vikings remembered they were the Vikings, the novelty that is the Vikings playing outside at TCF Bank Stadium on the University of Minnesota campus came to an end, attendees booze highs wore off, and Devin Hester set an NFL career record for kick returns of some kind, half of which have been against the Vikings specifically because of Chris Kluwe I’m willing to bet, and the Bears dropped 40 points on old white asses as they went on to lock up the division, make our team look like a bunch of homos, and beat us out of our own state. Rightfully so, because this team is TURRIBLE.
On the plus side, Favre might be dead, people threw snowballs at millionaires, I saw Santa on the field, and the Vikings moved closer to a top draft pick! That’s good. But we lost and looked like idiots. That’s bad. But we got to see a little bit of Joe Webb once Favre died. That’s good! … But Webb looked like a rookie and endangered his receivers frequently. That was bad. And we still don’t have a stadium …….. That’s probably bad too. I don’t know.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: This is perhaps a bit of a dick move largely because not only was Favre concussion number one on the frozen turf, but Madieu Williams was head injury number two, and also the recipient of the Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval award this week. This is reflective of both his play but also the entire defenses play, which sucked. At this point, the only defensive players that should be kept are Kevin Williams, Chad Greenway, and Antoine Winfield. Fry the rest of them in a tub of scalding lard, especially Madieu Williams. I mean listen, we’ve talked plenty about his horrible, horrible, eye gouging terrible play and angles on pass defense, but tonight was some of the worst I’ve seen. They showed a camera angle of the Bears first touchdown pass and it TOTALLY looked like Williams could have picked the pass off or at least knocked it down if he would have just taken a proper angle, BBBUUUUTT NNOOOOOO!!! Williams apparently only runs at right angles and allowed a touchdown. He also got his ass trucked TWICE by the grizzly gash Forte, the final one which knocked his ass out cold forcing him to leave the game when he drove his head into Forte’s knee, perhaps on purpose. I mean, I would do it on purpose too if I really wanted to leave the game, ya know?
OF COURSE Favre had to start this game: Color me surprised and god damn furious when I found out that the old gun slinger was going to attempt one more heroic return on the prime time stage, in the snow, on foreign turf kind of, in an attempt to bring the guys back to the win column. OH YAY! BRETT IS BACK! NOW WE CAN GET HIM KILLED AGAIN! I’m trying to figure out why he even bothered. Is he that delusional? Is he that addicted to the adrenaline rush of throwing
a touchdown an interception, of competition? Why not pick up horseshoes? How good would he be at horseshoes? “Gosh darn, lemme just throw this here metal boomerang round that little pole from 60 yards out and then wink at ya just like a kid out thur.” I just don’t quite get it. I mean, maybe if the Vikings were in the playoff hunt, but they were playing a dangerous game against a dangerous opponent that no one expected you to start. And then you got a brain injury. I have to think that this was the shortest (and most recent) comeback attempt that we’ll see from Favre, but good lord … if he doesn’t ride off in to the sunset after this game, let alone this season, I will just be baffled. Baffled like when I first saw soft breast.
Outdoor football was fantastic: With all of that being said, and despite the frowny penis loss, the game outdoors was pretty awesome. Watching the fans do the snow toss celebration after a touchdown or good play kind of made me feel good in a way I can’t describe. You always see fans in Foxboro or Pittsburgh do that, and you’re like “Damn, those fans are some bad ass MFers. What do we have? Some shitty Terrordome that should be home base in some bad sci fi movie? Where’s my snow to throw? My elements to battle?” Although I didn’t actually go to the game BECAUSE NO ONE INVITED ME, it looked like it was a very enjoyable time. And whereas the fall of the Metrodome was an embarrassment of civic pride for most people, I thought the fan showing outside at TCF was fairly decent. The crowd actually sounded fairly loud, and reports of the lines starting at 10:00 AM are ridiculous, but appreciated for those of us who couldn’t wait with you. If you went to the game, I’d love to hear what your impressions were of how things went. Even if you didn’t go to the game, I’d love to hear how much you wanted to go. Or something. Either way. Oh, and about the field conditions? Aside from Favre getting knocked around like he always does, I didn’t really see anything that bad. I mean, Hester was able to run back almost three kick returns of some kind, so it really wasn’t stopping him. In fact, the only person who the field and weather conditions seemed to really affect looked to be Chris Kluwe, the only person who was bitching about the field all week long. Funny how that works out.
Your 2011 Draft Pick Update: So the Vikings did lose again, which is a good thing for draft positioning. Per my understanding of rudimentary math equations and counting off on my fingers and toes, the current draft order looks something kind of like this:
This is good! We’ve moved up one spot to 10! HEY EVERYONE, WE HAVE A TOP TEN DRAFT PICK!! I’m debating what’s going to happen here now with the top four quarterbacks potentially in this draft. On one hand, I’m still feeling confident that the Panthers, Bills, Cardinals, Forty-Niners, and Vikings will all be looking for a QB. I’m also leaning towards the Bengals picking one up too, and with how the Skins have mismanaged McNabb, they probably would also be in the market. But the NFL is a funny thing. Carson Palmer may stay with the Bengals, I could see the Bills deciding they need defensive help and the Forty-Niners deciding to go all Four Lokko and roll with Troy Smith for another season. And then someone will take Camputer Newton too high in the draft. I don’t know, but when it all breaks down, and with as much talk as local media has been giving the quarterback position this week in Minnesota, I see us reaching high for someone like Jake Locker now too, especially if the other QBs in Luck, Mallett and Newton are gone. I don’t really like Locker and am not even sure if he’s all that better than Joe Webb, but I guess he’ll have to do until Montana’s kid comes out.
The Shit List: If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, every week I normally offer you my collection of bad Vikings players that I hope become unemployed with a brain injury in the near future because they decided to play like a bag of assholes in the most recent game. I also add a quick update as to why I hope they all get colon cancer. I should also point out that this isn’t presented in most deserving order or anything, as all of these people are equally horrible. After Monday’s game Il have the following players that deserve to get burned with a bag of napalm poop, and currently here is the list:
Brad Childress (You just get the feeling that a team like this could use a veteran like Sage Rosenfels right now, dick, which is very telling as is)
Madieu Wiliams (We just went over this. Uh … hope you’re not dead!)
Tarvaris Jackson (Enjoy earning your paycheck on IR for the rest of your Minnesota career, gaybo)
Jon Sullivan (How does a midget snap so many balls over so many quarterback’s heads? Fucking amazing)
Brett Favre (Thanks for whoring it up and stealing Joe Webb’s spotlight, asshole)
Toby Gerhart (You just run so white, it’s terribly infuriating)
EJ Henderson (Listen, great you came back from a broken femur and all, but you got to do more on pass defense then wave your arms around like a wacky inflatable arm tube man from Family Guy)
Ban (Holy shit, you are so cut this offseason)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments, but we will continue to update this list as each game progresses. I am expecting it to get quite extensive as the losses pile up and will gladly take your suggestions into consideration. So get to hating.
A Losing Haiku:
Football in the snow,
Icy breath, frozen feet, brr!
Not at my house! LOL!
TCF Loser Talking Points:
– Steve Young looked about as pissed off as someone can look on TV before the game started, pouting about the weather, his stupid hat, snow in his face, and all that shit. I enjoyed that greatly. Also, why does ESPN, and really any TV network, insist on putting Matt Millen on? All I can think of when he starts to try and give serious analysis is how he’s just making fart noises with his mouth. It’s a joke, and not a funny one. More of like telling a rape joke to a victim of sexual assault. Not cool, bro.
– If the Vikings wore their throwback uniforms all season long, at least they would have lost in style. I especially love the helmets of these, with the gray facemask and the simplified horn. Classic shit. I would purchase stock in those unis.
– I cannot stress enough how ridiculous it is that Favre started this football game, while Purple Jesus sat. On top of that, it is kind of edifying of the coaching staff that they let this prick get away with it. I mean, he just woke up and thought he’d give it a go after two weeks of not being able to feel his hand. Fuck that. He should have went to IR, especially when the team starts bringing something called an RJ Archer up from the practice squad and signing things called a Rhett Bomar.
– So we made things more difficult for the Packers to get into the playoffs, which is always nice. We got that going for us.
– Harvin is a piece of work. I don’t anticipate he’ll re-sign with the Vikings unless they have some stellar QB in place by the time his contract is up, so I’m thinking of just enjoying the brutal licks he takes when going across the middle of the field and then getting back up all smug dog and saying “where dem white wimin at?”
– Joe Webb did some good things and he did some bad things, as was to be expected. He had a couple of throws that looked better than anything I’ve ever seen, and I didn’t think any of his interceptions looked worse than anything TarVar ever threw. He’s also pretty nifty with his feet. However, you have to air the ball out in this league, and his deep ball clearly needs some work.
– Seeing all the old Vikings line the field was kind of cool, even if the current team was putting on a slop fest for them. RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, YOUNG MEN!
That’s about it for me. Seriously, if you went to the game I’d love to hear your report on it. Leave it in the comments, if you would like, or anything else you feel like discussing. As always, you can comment to us on Twitter, hit us up on Facebook, or e-mail us whenever too. Check back tomorrow where we’ll undoubtedly reference penises and buttholes. Kind of our specialty.