There were just a couple of raised eyebrows this weekend when the Minnesota Vikings opened their training camp up, especially when 37 year old defensive tackle and notorious large waisted man, Pat Williams, appeared in Mankato perhaps a few pounds lighter than fans remembered him being.
“I’ve always been fast” he quipped to reporters and fans when he arrived last Friday, “But now I’ll be even fasta’ when chasin’ dose damn runnin’ backs waaay down afta’ dey dig past me.”
However, when asked how he lost all of his weight, Williams appeared to dodge the question.
“You’s plum have t’stay on some strict diet, man, no deep homey waffles covered in egg yolks and wrapped in bacon wrapped prosciutto. ‘S coo’, bro. I’m feedin’ da bud strictly strawberries, carrots, and lean meat when ah’ need mah’ protein.
“Oh, and feedin’ da bud de shit out uh a banned dietary supplement.”
Pat Williams and his defensive tackle partner, Kevin Williams, have been at the center of an ugly legal battle with the NFL for over two years now, concerning use of a banned dietary supplement which was never reported in a product that they were taking. The supplement is said to mask steroid use, which is why it is of such notice to the NFL, and players may take this product while using the cover of weight control as the real reason.
“When I look at Pat, I don’t look at a guy who is concerned about his weight” said Kevin Williams, also continually under NFL investigations. “What I see is a guy that gladly eats his plate when out to dinner, then he’ll pick at his wife’s and his kids too. The lesson of course is, when out to dinner with him, order light, and eat fast, or you’ll never live to see another day.”
Coach Brad Childress praised Pat for coming in under his listed playing weight from last year, and said he’s certain Pat achieved his new weight through the proper channels.
“There’s no question that you want your guys to be healthy, be in shape. Do I think he worked hard to get into good shape this offseason? Yeah I do. Am I going to ask him how he did it and maybe put him at risk for being suspended this season if he decided to take a dietary supplement or risk the potential in finding out he may have a problem with bulimia? No, I don’t want to know that. I want him to play this game and help us win a Super Bowl.”
When asked bluntly if he was taking steroids, Pat casually declared the only place it may look like he has taken steroids would be in his genital region, but quickly changed the subject to how much he’s been working out, in an effort to show his dedication and habits to those in attendance.
“I dun did all so’ts uh wo’k outs t’try and dig mah’self in shape. ah’ dun did sit downs t’grab de remote, ah’ would do laps around da damn crib afta’ I would poop, and ah’ would even lay out in de pool ‘estra long t’sweat some weight out. Man! It also helped me feel lighter, in de booze. But sump’n wo’ked, cuz’ damn, look at how baaaad ah’ look at camp? Steroids, max’in’ agents, dietary supplements … whutever. Ah be baaad… Let’s play some ball.”
Rest assured, the NFL will be calling.