Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents – Miami Dolphins

The time is quickly approaching where the temperature will drop, your family time will be forgotten, and the dogs can stay inside all day Sunday. Yes, football is a mere (insert countdown clock here) days away! With the season fast approaching it is time to begin previewing the Minnesota Vikings 2010 opponents and assist fans in preparing their unnecessary venom, angst, ridicule, sarcastic and inappropriate comments, and terribly misguided ideas about the opposing team and their fans in a feature we are calling Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents. Today, we look at a curious AFC team, the Miami Dolphins Opponent: Wait, the Miami … Dolphins? Seriously? Miami still has a football team? I swear to god I haven’t heard a thing about Miami and actual football in probably … Christ, three years? Since Ronnie Brown’s rookie season? Didn’t Chad Pennington take them to the playoffs recently? Huh. I guess that was only in 2008, but really, that’s like a women’s basketball team making the playoffs. Do we really care? No. Of course we do not. Also, the Dolphins are owned my a slew of celebrities I would like to see anal fisted, including Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony, Yennifa Yopez, and the Williams sisters, Serena and Venus. And good lord, no, I am not linking to the pictures of those two spilling out of their bathing suits, despite Bryant McKinnie’s wishes. Next Seen: We’re having this discussion of course because the Vikings play the Dolphins AT HOME on September 19, 2010. It’ll be the first home game of the season, as well as the first AFC opponent for the year. And as an aside, holy cock gobbler does this year’s schedule look difficult. The AFC East, the NFC East, and the Saints and Cardinals? Thanks a lot, NFL schedulers, you dicks. Last Seen: You may have last seen or heard of the Dolphins when they traded with Denver for Brandon Marshall this past offseason. Before that, you may have come across the Miami Dolphins when they beat the crap out of us in the 2006 season in embarrassing fashion, so embarrassing in fact that I seem to have wiped this event completely from my memory, as I don’t remember this at all. But apparently the Vikings held the Dolphins to -3 total rushing yards but still lost because they gave up two return touchdowns, a Jason Taylor interception return and a Renaldo Hill fumble return. Chester Taylor scored a couple of touchdowns for the good guys to make this game close, but that’s about it. In other words, it was a disaster. Also a disaster? When they fisted our anus in Super Bowl 8. Jack offs. Other than that, I think there was a Madden game, maybe the 2009 version, where there were certain “Madden Moments” you had to play through and experience. One of them was leading the TarVar led Vikings against Denver in a comeback win (which I don’t remember actually happening?) and another that always stuck with me was leading the Cleo Lemon led Dolphins to an overtime victory against the Ravens for their sole win of the season. YAY DOLFINS!!! I Strongly Dislike …: This team blows. Do you know anyone on the team besides Ricky Williams because he loves smoking weed? I don’t know if I even strongly dislike anyone on this team, but if we were to go out on a limb I would suggest the following: Brandon MarshallThis one is probably the most obvious pick. Marshall is a douche bag who whined his way out of Denver because his new head coach McDaniels wasn’t cupping his balls like the old coach Shanahan was. So he pouted, punched a TV and injured his arm, lolly gagged through training camp, and was an all around a-hole. He also thinks he’s in the top 3 of receivers in the NFL because he has the most receptions in one game. I didn’t bother to look at his career stats (because I dislike him, you see), but I find it hard to believe he’s even in the top 8 of best receivers. And hey, if he is? I don’t care. You’re a douche juicer. Channing Crowder I’m not entirely sure why I dislike Channing Crowder. Maybe it’s the name. It sounds like chowder. And Channing reminds mend makes me want to punch him if I didn’t weigh 95 pounds when wet. It might be because he went to Florida, which would also make a lot of sense, because Florida can suck it. Anthony FasanoFasano is probably a super nice guy in person, but I’ll always remember in fantasy having to pick him up during a bye week because no one else was around, and in the first half of the season he had maybe 4 touchdowns or so, which made me think this pick up had potential. Of course, I don’t think he got a reception the rest of the season and it made me very upset. Also, he’s from Notre Dame, a former Cowboy, and looks like a huge guido, which says a lot. Greg CamarilloCamarillo bothers me because it seems like he’s a player that has just stuck on an NFL roster because there has been no other viable alternatives for the team. This has made it so fantasy players HAVE to consider him, because he’s an NFL starting receiver who’s fast, but then when he goes up against real NFL competition he’s rather ho-hum. And even when he has decent games I just keep thinking, “BUT YOU’RE GREG CAMARILLO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???” and I don’t want to think that. And don’t get me started on your city: GGGAAAAHHHH! I hate Miami. Now, I have never been, but in this day and age of internetting and imagination I don’t even need to be. I’ve had family that has been there, and they have related that the image I have in my head of Miami being exactly replicated in Grand Theft Auto Vice City is entirely accurate. In that case, what a whore filled, drug addled, lazy, run down, desolate, 1970’s frozen in time, piece of shit city. I don’t care that you have South Beach, or a collection of women that cycle through the city half nude. If you aren’t a superstar athlete and actually have to WORK and LIVE in a city that wishes to only always party like that, I am sure it could get rather annoying. And while we’re at it, I’m pretty sure the Three Amigos on the Miami Heat now is another pretty solid reason to hate the entire city. What a pussy cop out. Two of arguably the best players in the NBA (sorry Chris Bosh) aren’t good enough to win championships by themselves so they team up? That’s retarded. Jordan, Magic, Bird, and the NBA greats are laughing at you because they have been assured their legacy will remain intact without any threat from you young people. You guys suck.

Yes, I see the irony in using this picture for this section heading.

This is how you’ll get your ass beat: It won’t be too hard. I’d mark this game down as a win. The only real threat on the Dolphins is Brandon Marshall. Sure, this could be a cause for concern, especially early in the season when the Vikings safeties are probably still walking while on the field, and our cornerback that would normally line up with him, Cedric Griffin, will be injured still. But they have Chad Henne throwing to him, which is nice, but let’s get serious. He’s no Pey-Pey Manning, or even Jay Cutler for that matter. I’m not too worried there, especially with the pass rush. The defense has a bunch of no namers that play together well, but if and when Favre returns (hopefully sooner than later so the Vikings don’t play listless like they did against the Lions in last year’s second game), the chemistry will be there so the Vikings can overcome that defense. All of this, plus the fact that it’ll probably be only 75 in mid September which means the Dolphins will be freezing while in our state, and the Viking should have the advantage. A fine collection of attractive women from the city of Miami: So, in all fairness, they’re cheerleaders are probably the best looking bunch in the NFL. Maybe not the Eagles, but we’ll see when we get to the Eagles.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.