Roster Moves: Vikings Sign an EJ Henderson Doppelganger

There, in writing it says, "I did not smash your mother."

There, in writing it says, "I did not smash your mother."

That is now two for five!

ITEM! Jasper Brinkley, rookie out of South Carolina, just signed his rookie contract with the Minnesota Vikings, ensuring that he will see plenty of time with the third team defense in training camp this year in Mankato. Jasper joins fellow Vikings rookie Jamarca Sanford, aka, the AIDS Arrow (Because he’s flying death as a safety, you see) as the only rookies to sign their contracts with the Vikings. This is rather typical, moving from later rounds to higher rounds, and I believe (Or rather, heard this crrrazy internet rumor …) that the Vikings usually wait even longer to start signing picks, so this is only good news for fans. I suppose. It also means you can buy your new “Brinkley” jersey from the Vikings store and wear it for three years before he/it becomes obsolete. Nothing like wasting good money in this economy, but I suggest that if you’re going to do that, you buy one of PJD’s shirts instead …

FACT! Jasper, as you may remember, played for notable cock taco Steve Spurrier at South Carolina, and I would not be happier than to see any and everything related to Spurrier fail epically … but now since Brinkley is assured to be a Vikings for at least this year, we’ll probably have to cheer for him. Jasper also joins his brother, Casper (No joke) as an official NFL player now. I bet if you were to ask Jasper what he was going to buy with his rookie contract, he’d probably say a Ghostbuster’s trap so that he could finally catch and hang out with his brother again. No? Well, maybe he’ll buy himself some faster shoes so he can play the critical middle linebacker role when EJ Henderson eventually goes down in 2009 with a bruised hymen, since Brinkley’s knock is slow foot speed in coverage. Great pick, Vikings brass. Also, little known fact, Jasper Brinkley does not have a Wikipedia page dedicated to him as of yet. Instead, he is just linked directly to the Minnesota Vikings one. Neat!

It's that big. Promise.

It's that big. Promise.

SO? Whereas Jamarca Sanford left a taste in my mouth much like a butter faced woman leaves a lacking sensation in your balls, I’m a bit more intrigued by Brinkley. By all accounts, he was a fallen angel from grace that should have been selected higher but wasn’t due to injury concerns. Also, he was the teams leading tackler two years in a row (I’m prrreeettty sure). Suspiciously, this draft day account sounds like EJ Henderson who, you know, turned out all right for the Vikings. If Jasper can mimic anything even close to Henderson’s production, I would be alright with that. And then I can knickname him “The Doppelganger”, which would be sweet. Hopefully, he just likes to beat the shit out of players and will double team returners with Sanford to rape opposing special team players. And I really mean rape; I wanted to see fornication on the field in 2009, FINALLY.

CONCLUSION: Having Brinkley on the roster for several years (assuming his contract is similar to Sanford’s) is nice, meaning that there will be some continuity at line backer if a car runs over Henderson’s foot again. It also means that we won’t scramble on the free agent scrap heap in mid October trying to find a serviceable scrub like Dontarious Thomas or Napoleon Harris, and we can also keep Heath Farwell, the Great White Hope, on special teams where he belongs. So congrats on joining the team, Jasper, and go buy all token novelty items that you can think of.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.