Holy Christ, am I full. I might have eaten an entire turkey and maaaayyyybe spent a full moon cycle in the bathroom checking Twitter and prepping myself for dessert. I tried something different this Thanksgiving. Most people try to starve themselves before the big meal of the day so that they are super hungry right before they eat, thinking that they’ll then eat a whole bunch of food to catch up on what they missed. Well, you’re a retard if you thought that, just ask any 15 year old girl suffering from image problems that spent their lunch break in the bathroom during junior high (or middle school, if you’re from some Podunk backwards town). You have to STUFF yourself like a week before the meal so that when you finally are able to eat you stomach has expanded like ice cream kids up there. Then you can double your normal amount of food on Thanksgiving Day and then just pick at leftovers until Monday. Best holiday ever? Best holiday ever.
Do you disagree? Write in and tell us why, or share what you did for Thanksgiving. Were there any special menu items? Any uncomfortable family conversations? Were you disgusted by the football games? Were you just too jacked up for the Bears game this Sunday to even think about shitty Lions games on Thursday? Tell us all about it, and we’ll post it in tomorrow’s Mail Dump in the game preview. Hit us at firstname.lastname@example.org, check out Twitter feed, leave a comment here, finger Facebook the shit out of us or send me a letter with left over pie. Schmanks. And please do so. I mean, I offered that awesome picture above, so the least you can do is humor me with a question.