We are going to assume that he is serious this time.
The soft fur under a cat’s neck. A fresh Twix bar pulled and enjoyed from the freezer. A chilled lemonade that has just begun to perspire on a hot summers day. A cordial e-mail from a distant friend holding no grudges. A soft breeze whispering its way into your bedroom window in the middle of the night. Finding a five dollar bill in your jacket pocket from last fall. Receiving a free dessert from a restaurant because of a mis-order from your waiter. Self whoring, interception prone, and all time nemesis Brett Favre staying retired and not poisoning your favorite football team.
These are some of my favorite things.
With his announcement – that I am assuming to be final – yesterday that he would stay retired and not be joining the Minnesota Vikings as quarterback in 2009, I had an man juice eruption of epic proportions in my pants. The relief I felt knowing that this decrepit Viking killer forever identified as a Packer would not be wearing purple during his life time was similar to the relief that closeted homosexual homophobic Californians felt when Proposition 8 passed. The tears I shed were those of joy that were once also shared by Rock Band players when they heard that Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” was being released. The day Brett Favre “decided” – and I use that term loosely, like your mom is – to not join the Vikings may have been as great as the day I fapped twice. Maybe better.
I will never understand the desire many fans showed to have the hated quarterback Favre join their cherished team. Two main issues come up here. First, and most importantly, is the complete irrational hatred (football hatred, not stabbing hatred) that Viking fans (should) have for the man (Big Daddy Drew covers this pretty well). And if any Vikings fan says they don’t hate him, that they didn’t like him but God damn they respected him, they should get punched in their FUPA. Fuck that fan. Brett Favre was (is?) the greatest single villain for the Minnesota Vikings. I can’t think of one other individual who deserves the fans scorn more than him. Seriously, no one. Maybe Red McCombs or Erasmus James, but those reasons are different. He is a Vikings fan’s Lex Luther, their Green Goblin, their Sarah Palin. To have him join the Vikings, despite what any sunshine pumper or bandwagoner would tell you, is blasphemy. So the fact that he pussied out is a double edged sword for me; further evidence that he’s a cock boyed bitch for cock teasing Minnesota all summer and gratifying to know this shit faced junky won’t join our team.
The other issue that you could take with Favre joining the team is strictly from a football perspective. Many people wanted him to join for the simple reason in they thought he’d make the team better, or he was better than any existing quarterback on the roster. This is fucking bullshit. This asshole would be demolished by week six, and his timely interception queerness would not sit well with Viking fans that haven’t already given him a free pass because he’s won us a Super Bowl. His mere presence would surely bolster local and national interest in the team, create additional revenue, and make a strong push towards favor for a new stadium. But you know what else does all of that? Fucking winning football games with anyone else. This asshole joins, pulls our cock for one year by getting us into the playoffs, maybe even winning a game or two, but we don’t end up winning a Super Bowl with him. Not a chance in hell. Look at any Super Bowl contending defense; the Steelers, Ravens, Giants, Cardinals (meh). They would destroy his geriatric ass, and then the Vikings would be the only franchise in history to attend five Super Bowls without winning one, all thanks to Favre. That shit I could not handle.
So thank God that the team we root for hasn’t been sullied by this bloated bag of rotting feces. We’ll all be better off for it, even if the major media outlets will try to make you believe otherwise. Currently, you’ll be seeing “experts” espousing how great of a decision Favre made and how stupid the Vikings look right now because they’ll have a quarterback controversy on their hands and how terrible the position is again, as if they did absolutely nothing to upgrade it during the offseason. Technically, this isn’t true. They did trade for Sage Rosencopter after dumping Gus Frerotte this offseason. Whether or not that’s an upgrade is still debatable, but what’s not debatable is that the media are a bunch of tail turning cock blowers that will write anything dumb enough that a brain damaged lemming would think (Like me!). Now we’re hearing Vick to the Viking as well? Come on, seriously? Because the Vikings don’t have an established starter at quarterback, we’re all of a sudden open to any speculation about Vick, JP Losman, or the bones of Jonny Unitas. And don’t get me started on Jeff George … The best thing to do is to not turn on ESPN forever, and not to get caught up in the urine that dribbles from Mark Schlereth’s mouth as he tries to talk “fot bawl”.
So finally, we can start with training camp awesomeness this weekend and really think about football again. I get to celebrate like I just made awkward eye contact with a woman, Favre continues to provide Peter King with Rusty Trombones in Mississippi, and everything is back to normal for everyone involved. Will I still hate Packer fans? Hell yes. Maybe just a little bit less now.
Ha, just kidding. Fuck you and your fat ass. Losers.