As the clock sheds away the last remaining hours of the NFL offseason, Brett Favre could feel father time peeping over his shoulder as his first game as a Minnesota Viking looms on the horizon. For two weeks the new Vikings quarterback had been caught in a whirlwind of activity. Between declining to unretired, then regretting the decision, then having an OJ Simpson scene on the Minnesota highways, conversation has followed the aging quarterback everywhere, including into the teams’ locker room.
“There have been a lot of things said to me and behind me from some of the Vikings players” Favre said Wednesday afternoon during his press conference as he was fresh squeezing some prune juice. “And I don’t blame any of them for questioning my determination, or motivation, for playing another season when you’re almost 40 years old. So I wanted to clear the air on some things.”
Spreading some peanut butter on a whole grain Wheat Thin, Favre continued. “I told the guys, ‘Look, I know who I am. I’m Brett Favre, the most famous football player in the world. I know I’m probably many of you young guys’ father’s age. Maybe even your actual father. Really, I might be. I also know that I have more money than you could ever shoot at a trespasser on your farm, and that for every incomplete pass I throw this year I’ll be making more than your base salary. These things are all facts’” Favre said before he paused to down his vitamins for the afternoon.
“But I also told them that this whole circus was a complete accident that I could never have foreseen and that I sincerely apologize for it, because all I want to do is play some football”
“What a fucking retard” veteran Antoine Winfield said in response.
“No way he could have foreseen that coming? Things you don’t foresee coming are like hit and runs, or being robbed. You can’t imagine that a famous quarterback who has spent the entire summer waffling would grab the attention of the national media?” Winfield just shook his head as he got up from Favre’s rocking chair and put the pillow back on it. “That’s as frustrating to hear as the girl walking through the club with a short mini skirt and her massive tits hanging out of her halter top and getting pissed that people check her out. Really? You didn’t see that one coming? Sometimes …”
Even the rookies found Favre’s child like ignorance, the same child like behavior that media people laud him for playing the game with, laughable. “Are you kidding me?” Harvin said between puffs on a suspicious cigarette looking cylinder. “I’ve been watching this guy play football since I was two years old. He’s like the most famous quarterback not named Tim Tebow. How does he not see this one coming? Same way he gets so surprised by his interceptions? That shit is hilarious, man. Totally out of this world, NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” Harvin finished before he closed his eyes with a large smile on his face and fell asleep for a while.
Brad Childress, Favre’s closest peer age-wise in the locker room, held a different opinion than his players on Favre’s surprise that the circus followed him into town. “I can sympathize with the guy, I really can” he said between drawing up a new fullback pass play. “He’s spent his whole summer minding his own business, not trying to make a scene or asking the media to come down and video tape him driving his tractor around or trying on different pairs of Wranglers, but they have a certain fascination with him and other great players where they won’t leave him alone. Is that his fault? No. Is there anything he can do about it? Could he have flown into a different airport? Offered more interviews? Let Peter King have exclusive access to his enema? I don’t know, but I do know that Favre feels badly amount this excessive drama for his teammates.”
This feeling is something that Favre said he expressed as best he could. “I tried to be honest with them. I tried to let them know that this old man with creaky knees, a torn rotator cuff, back sores and an inserted catheter just wanted one more shot at a title.” Favre dozed off for a minute before finishing his speech. “It’s not about me. It’s never been about me. It’s always been about the team, the city, and the winning.”
“Oh, and a little about me. I just hope my teammates understand that.”