Behind Enemy Lines: Detroit Lions Cats Claw up Viking Fans

Ok, that’s a bit of a dramatic title. No, there won’t be any physical violence here, but at PJD we are equal opportunity haters. As much as we’d like to meat-hook Packer fans or watch Bear followers drown in a vat of lard, we also understand that tons of other team’s fans would like to shove one of those Viking horns straight up Viking fans urethras. Hey, sometimes we want to do that to ourselves for being Viking fans too! So in an effort to remain FAIR AND UNBIASED we’re going to occasionally do a Behind Enemy Lines series where we put on another team’s colored glasses and tear into Viking fans. It helps us to remain as humble as we are! Ha. Kidding. We shit on humble pie around here. Anyway, today we’ll start with a division team that poses no threat to the Vikings any more in 2009 (you know, just to play it safe), The Detroit Lions Cats!

“Well, congratulations Viking fans, your team is 9-1! I guess that means that you’re going to win the Super Bowl, huh? Just like all the other times you had such a great regular season record and then just dominated teams in the playoffs while rolling to a Lombardi trophy? Remember? Man, it felt just like yesterday when I wasn’t laid off from the Ford plant and I got watch the Vikings roll over the Gi’nts in New York in the NFC Championshi … oh, wait, that’s right. You got your fucking asses kicked. Hold on, let me check the stat sheet … is this right? 41-0? Who doesn’t score at least a field goal in a playoff game? Wait, let’s look again … am I seeing this correctly? Team history here says that you haven’t won a Super Bowl? Ever? In four appearances? Jesus, we may as well just call you the Bills. And everyone knows they suck, so why do you think your team is so damn great?

“Oh sure. Let’s get this one out of the way. ‘Hope you enjoyed your 0-16 season Lion fan!’ LULZ! That’s original! No one has every made fun of Lion fans before for our team going 0-16! News flash, you fat fuck, no one cares. That’s like a badge of honor now. We’re the greatest at sucking! Not even you Vikings can say that. You just suck. Truth is, we probably should have had at least two wins that year and, what do you know? They would have both been against your sorry excuse for an overrated team! It’s amazing how often the zebras have to save your ass when you play us. Or here, this is always a great one too. ‘What’re you talking about Lion fan? You’ve never won a Super Bowl either!’ True. However, we’ve never looked like a bunch of pushover gutter trash cum dupsters for a quarter of the teams in the league in the biggest game of every year. Nice showing you guys always seem to have. When was the last time you were at that game as NFC representatives? 1976? Sooo … over 30 years ago? I’m sure that memory is dustier than your mother Olga’s ‘giner. At least until I leave that thing reeking of summer sausage. So what are you so confident about now?

“Sure, sure, toss on the hate. ‘The Lions have done nothing! They’re the biggest joke franchise ever! You guys suck!’ So creative, and typical, from a sports franchise that’s only 50 years old. Oh, didn’t you hear? The Lions football lineage is considered one of the greatest of all time, dating back to before your golden locked grandparents were born on that freezing tundra you call a state. I’m pretty sure we practically invented football, while your team has just been embarrassing this great game we’ve nurtured for over 90 years. Thanks, ass hats. But, no, you’re right, we do suck. Our four NFL Championships can never compare to your one or your paltry division championships once the modern NFL was created. Because nothing is better than being teased by a team year in and year out, thinking that you’ve got a Super Bowl coming only to find yourself as a stepping stone for another team’s excellence. I mean, that’s kind of like how Prince and Bob Dylan used your state too, right? They couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there either, like I’m guessing your purple covered team is thinking right now. At least the Lions know how to do it. All or nothing. No dicking around. We either are going to suck it up or run rampant over your remains, none of this Viking cock teasing that your team does. That shit would drive me to a blue balled suicide.

“But don’t worry Viking fans. You have Purple Jesus! He’s the best running back ever! He’ll single handily win a Super Bowl for you! No, no, you’re absolutely correct. As a Lions fan, I can’t think of a single other running back that has ever entered the league with such admiration and accolades, someone that could singly take over a game and embarrass other players so thoroughly on the field, someone that was guaranteed to win us everything, only to not come through at all. That has never happened. Nope. Nobody rings a bell. Wait, actually … you know, we used to have a pretty good running back once too. I wonder what ever happened to him? Probably sitting on his multiple Super Bowl trophies. You stupid dicks bags.

“Enjoy your magical season though, you ignorant fucks. Us Detroit Lion fans are just sitting here building up karma points. Sure, we’re piling up the losses now, but I think we all know what the average fan would rather have; an old interception prone quarterback with aging players around him that’s bound to break your hearts again in an important playoff game or a young, solid core with a promising decade ahead of them and an enormous window of Super Bowl opportunity in the future? Yeah, get ready to be our bitch, you swollen purple pussies.”


Wow, Lions fan! Scathing! Leave your response to us him in the comments!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.