The ever reliable (I made that up) and blandly titled Football.com recently had author Chris Cluff (That’s a mouthful … twss) pontificate on possible coaching changes in the 2010 season. Building off of this idea, and looking specifically at the Vikings, it led us to wonder what other changes may take place in the organization after Coach Childress and his band of walking abortions gets shit canned after they fail to meet meager expectations in 2009. Meager, because for a franchise that’s never won a Super Bowl, winning a single playoff game is enough to make the fan base feel like winners at a cross dressing competition. Anyway, let’s build on what Cluff started with, namely a move of Mike Holmgren to the Vikings, and explore other available options in the already promising 2010 offseason for YOUR … Minnesota Vikings…
Head Coach Change: Mike Holmgren
Cluff seemed rather enamored with the idea of Holmgren bringing his vaunted west coast offense to the land of lakes, especially if Lord Favre were to sign. It would seem like a pretty smooth transition, especially considering that the Seahags and the Queens have been similar teams for years now (Except that those west coast ass hats actually made it to the Super Bowl and may actually have worse uniforms than the Queens, if this is even possible). The offense is similarly run and has comparable rosters, except of course at the quarterback position (Jackson almost as bad as Seneca Wallace? Yes!). But Purple Jesus is better than former MVP Shaun of the Dead, Holmgren could continue working with Hutchinson, and both teams have had the dead weight that is Brian Russell on the roster. So, seems like a good fit. Plus, with all the parallels, his fat ass wouldn’t have to work as hard.
Stadium Change: TCF Bank
Yes, technically after 2009 the Metrodome has some years left on it’s lease with the Vikings (I’m thinking two years, but who knows, I can’t do research when Google is being overrun with porn searches), but why not jump the gun, exciting Viking by beating the shit out of Brew Crew and the stupid Gophers and force them to let you play in their brand new stadium? It would be awesome. Natural light, football in the elements, college girls being harassed and groped on Saturdays and Sundays … what more could you want? And while the Vikings are playing here, the city of Minneapolis can implode the Metrodome and build Zygi’s new football palace on the same location with the money he saved by switchi … no, just kidding. He’ll build it by the money he saved from kicking the shit out of the Gophers and refusing to pay to play there. That’s how they do it out east, bitch.
Upgrade Drinks at the Games: More Liquor!
I don’t care what it costs, and truthfully, when you’re playing in the TCF Stadium without paying you can probably throw some cash around, but what better way to make a stadium experience more enjoyable than having everyone drinking Jack and Cokes or martinis while finger fucking in the bathrooms and starting fist fights by the concession stands? The drink selection would explode exponentially, and we could finally get rid of the huge amounts of Mike’s Hard Lemonades that I … girls, drink when they go to Vikings games. Not only will people start using games as an alternative to going to the bar, but the crowd enthusiasm would be unbelievable and largely appreciated by the players after several seasons of watching fans sit and yawn in the stands.
Show More From the Cheerleaders: At Least Get Better Outfits
There’s nothing worse than having to sit through a horrendous ass stomping on your own turf. So the next time the Patriots come around, 2010 or after, fans in the stands can be shit faced on bourbon and watching more of the cheerleaders. Down by 21 points in the first half? Provide half of the field to the cheerleading squad. Don’t even make them dance. Just have them stretch and run in circles or something. The idiots in the stands won’t care. It’ll be a wonderful distraction from the annihilation on the field and quite possibly boner inducing. Nothing erases the bitter taste of defeat like the mental image that you’ll form of beating a down on her luck dancer! And, if they start issuing an “Under 21” mandate for cheerleader age, I think that’s something we could all agree upon.
Feed Fan Jeering into Every Players and Coaches Audio Device: Both Home and Away Teams
I know it, you know it, your girlfriend knows it, and the only person that doesn’t seem to know it is the coach or the player on the field. Tarvaris, you fucking suck! Get off the field! So now after you’ve watched another three and out due to great quarterback play, instead of yelling at the top of your lungs how much you want to stab Childress in the neck from your nose bleed seats, your jeering will join a queue of hecklers that will go directly to the individual of your deserving scorn. Damn it Shiancoe, you should have caught that pass instead of complaining about another movie. Nice false start, Loadholt, you fat muffin top. Hey Ray Edwards, will you ever get a sack or will you continue to masturbate in the corner? You know, things like this. Now team members will be paid millions of dollars and receive the ridicule they so rightly deserve while you do nothing.
Holmgren Will Draft and Develop a Quarterback: I Don’t Care Who (But Here’s One Option)
Assuming Childress throws in the towel around, oh, week three of 2008, it seems as if new coaches with new teams have had great recent success by hand picking their own, legitimate NCAA star and NFL potential quarterback in the first draft that they run. Assuming Holmgren comes aboard before 2010, we can expect that he’ll draft a franchise quarterback that will do things rarely seen by Vikings fans during Childress’ tenure, including; throwing the ball accurately, tossing for over 300 yards sometime in his career, making a defense pay for having eight men in the box, having more touchdowns than interceptions, and not looking like he’s always just walked in on his dad blowing his brother. Either way, fans will collectively shit their pants, and even if producing a mediocre record, will still be so impressed with common quarterbacking skills that no one will care about the losing record.
Got any other expectations for 2010? Any other wild dreams or possibilities? Put them in the comments. Otherwise, find another team for 2009 and get ready for a Viking dynasty in 2010!